


Things you said

by jamzaa



Category: White Collar
Genre: 1st person, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Crime, Guns, Hints of child abuse, I just love Keller, Kate's a Bitch, Keller POV, Keller has Feelings™, Keller has a sister, Keller is sensitive and scared, M/M, Murder, Post-Series, Pre-Series, Spoilers, Spoilers S1-S6, Things you said-Prompts, This is really just angst with a side of sad fluff, and a niece and nephew, hints of torture, okay?, there is some smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-18 19:19:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 15,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9399170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamzaa/pseuds/jamzaa
Summary: 23 ficlets about Neal and Keller and their weird relationship.Excerpt:There are no 'happily-ever-after' in the real life and if there are, they're not reserved for idiotic con-men who spend to much time pushing someone as far away as possible because they can't accept the way their hearts beat to fast in their chests and the way their breath hitches in their throats and the control that said someone has over them with nothing but a smile.I spent so much time denying the ability to feel something as trite as love that I really believed it. So at first I didn't know what to do with these unusual desires.When I realized what was happening I tried to work against it.It didn't make any sense to me.Why would you of all people have this effect on me?





	1. Things you said at 1am

**Author's Note:**

> First of all: I do not own White Collar or any of the Characters from said show. Parts of this are heavily inspired by the 'mutual assured destruction'-series by HarperRose here on Ao3 and my version of Keller is heavily influenced by every piece of work in this tag (have this possibly unnecessary piece of information, just in case)   
> Secondly, English isn't my first language and therefore any mistakes I made are not meant to offend anybody. I would love to hear what I did wrong, so I can do better next time. Things just sound way better in English.  
> Also, these are not in any logical order. I just wrote whatever came into my mind to the given prompt, so there are a few canon divergences, and beware of spoilers ahead. Also, these don't necessarily stand in relation to each one another except for “15) Things you said with to many miles between us” and “16) Things you said with no space between us”. But if you want you possibly could fit most of them in the same universe somehow. But be warned, there are most likely continuity errors if you wish to see them as one timeline (or something like that).  
> And this is my interpretations of Keller and Neal and they're most likely totally out of character for both of them but I kinda tried to figure it out as I went.

**1)** **Things you said at 1 am**

  
At first I wasn't sure if you weren't just trying to con me.  
“Oh, that's my boyfriend,”, you said casually when Adler asked you who the fuck you brought into the office again.  
It caught me off guard. But I couldn't show that.  
You were all bright eyes, wide smile, adorable attention seeking puppy back then. And back then I wasn't sure if that wasn't just part of the Adler con. Maybe to show him, that you could please him very differently. Or you just wanted to make Kate jealous.  
But you said it again when we met Mozzie later.  
“We're together now.”  
Moz said you were insane and you laughed.  
“Yeah. Maybe.”  
I know now I should have left back then, because I knew that one way or another we would end up with our hearts broken if any of this was real. Because one way or another we would hurt each other. Because that's what we do.  
But I didn't want to leave.  
It felt good back then. Hearing you making it this official when neither of us really knew what was happening. It felt like for once we could slow down and enjoy the break from our never-ending game of tag. Even if it was just for a moment.  
So I kissed your cheek and took you're hand and took you out for Dinner.  
And as we lied in bed that night, your head on my shoulder, arm over my chest, I started thinking again. Over-thinking maybe. Probably.  
I realized barely talked about relationships, past or present, and I didn't know if you were just trying to get something from me. That thought scared me. Men like us have to stay two steps ahead of their opponents but I couldn't see what could be your end-game in this. All I could do was wait and play along and possibly loose myself to this fantasy.  
Would you use that against me? They say that there's no honor amongst thieves after all.  
But you were different. You had a conscience.  
So you wouldn't play with me like that. That wasn't your style now, was it?  
I groaned. This way I would never find a solution to this problem. I shuffled a little, tried to get more comfortable when you lifted your head in the darkness.  
“You still awake?”, I heard you mumble. Your voice thick and low from slumber. I nodded. “Go to sleep...”  
I glance at the clock. Almost two in the morning.  
“Can't,”I whispered back into the dark, “There are things I need to think about.”  
You snorted before letting you head fall back onto my shoulder.  
“Go to sleep, Matt. There's nothing you have to worry about.”  
Silence stretched between us for a while, but sleep still didn't came for me.  
“Why did you call me your boyfriend today?” I asked at last, not really expecting an answer but still hoping for one.  
“I thought we were? Don't you wanna be? Which would be fine, I just thought, you would like something a little more serious too.” you sat up, and the spots of contact immediately cooled down. I felt your gaze on me in the dark and I sighed again.  
“I don't know. It's just a bit sudden, y'know. And what about Kate? She seems pretty great. I thought you liked her?”  
“I do like her.”, you said quietly, “Listen, Matt, If you don't want to make this serious, it's fine. Just say it and I won't bring it up again.”  
Your lips were pressed together, nothing more than a thin line as you watched me. Your voice shook a little. Were you scared? Sad? Whatever it was it made my chest ache and I couldn't help but sit up and pull you close.  
“It's fine. Just keep in mind that I'm not good at this sort of thing.”, I whispered and pressed a quick kiss onto your lips.  
“So forgive me, if it's not gonna be what you expect.”


	2. Things you said through your teeth

**2)** **Things you said through your teeth**

  
You were rarely truly angry but when you were, suddenly nothing else mattered anymore.  
Love didn't matter anymore, Friendships didn't matter anymore.  
We had been out, observing a mark that evening and came home to Kate who shoved a few thing in a backpack. When you asked, what she was doing she didn't respond at first and when you asked a second time, she stopped, looked at you and said: “I'm gonna stay with a friend, until you've made up your mind. I'm done with sharing. I was nice to him, because he's your friend, but I won't tolerate your little 'adventures' any longer. Give me a call once you ended this _thing_ that you two have going on.”  
You looked at her in shock at first, processing what you just had heard and I really wanted to say something to calm both of you down, but it wasn't my place to say anything.  
“What the hell, Kate?”, you asked, trying to stay calm, but anger bubbled under the surfaced, obvious to someone who knew what to look for.  
She shook her head and finished packing her bag, before she looked at you again. “You want to say something?”, she asked.  
“I'm so done with this. We've talked about this before, Kate.”, you said and crossed your arms over your chest. “I won't let anyone tell me what to do or who I'm allowed to be friends with. So if you really want to go, I won't stop you.”  
There was a moment of silence in which Kate did nothing but stare at you.  
“But if you go now? Don't expect me to come running after you. Because I won't. Not this time.”, there was a coldness in your voice that I never knew before and to be honest, it scared me a bit. It was worse as if you would have raised your voice.  
“So you're gonna ditch me for that fucking imbecile?”, she asked, “You can't be serious.”  
“Oh I am.”, you assured. “That 'imbecile' is the only person in my life that has never let me down. And as far as I'm aware, you're more than happy to have Matthew warm your bed when I'm out of town.”  
I didn't dare to say anything, even though I really wanted to calm you down and stop you before you did something you would regret. And letting Kate go was definitely something you would regret not even ten minutes after she leaves.  
Kate's eyes went wide, looking at me.  
“You told him..?”, she whispered almost inaudible, “I thought we agreed that he doesn't need to know?”  
I just shrugged.  
“At least Matthew's honest with me”, you said, your teeth working in your mouth, anger obvious in your posture and eyes.  
“So, Princess.”, you declared sarcastically, “Leave and stay away or man up and apologize.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reworte this like a dozen times ._.


	3. Things you said too quietly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is super short, but I don't want to rewrite it...

**3)** **Things you said too quietly**

  
“I'm sorry, Matt.”  
Not more than a whisper in the darkness.  
It's been two and a half days since our last fight and we both know it was your fault. You had to argue about the lost score and the city and the hotel we were staying at.  
Maybe you were still angry about Kate, who vanished like a ghost, again. Or maybe you really just hated Los Angeles. I It wasn't like it mattered anyway.  
You _choose_ to fight and I was fucking pissed.  
I was used to you complain just about everything, but you just wouldn't shut up that day.  
So I snapped.  
I shouted at you and shoved you against the wall and threw over the glass table you said you didn't like and I stormed off, telling you to stay away as you made a move to follow me.  
When I came back to the hotel that night I expected this to end like every other argument we had. We just wouldn't talk about it and pretend as if nothing happened.  
I definitely did not expect to find you in total darkness, voice hoarse and low from crying.  
I made my way over to you and sat down next to you on the bed pulling you into a hug.  
You sobbed against my shoulder and repeated yourself over and over again.  
“I'm sorry. I was wrong. Please don't leave me alone anymore.”  
I sighed, comfortingly stroking your back.  
“It's okay, Neal. I'm sorry too.”


	4. Things you said over the phone

**4)** **Things you said over the phone**

  
“You never told me why you shot him.”  
I couldn't quite follow, the phone pressed against my ear but thoughts far away from our conversation.  
“Who?”  
“Kingston. The guy from the Berlin thing?”  
Berlin. The night I made you run. A cold shiver runs down my spine despite the rather hot climate of South America. I remember your shocked face. The pure terror when I shot Kingston after he thought he left his passport behind.

All three of us were still kinda high after the heist but as Kingston stopped in the middle of the street, panic on his face whispering 'Shit! Where's my passport?' and frantically searching his pockets? I didn't spend much time thinking. I pulled my gun and shot him. Straight trough the brain. He dropped on the hard concrete with an unholy cracking sound.  
I think you yelled at me. Asking me why the hell I brought the gun. And when I didn't answer I could tell you were getting even more scared. Looking around to find an escape route.  
I didn't stop you when you bolted. Taking off with the jewels.  
“Matthew?”  
“I'm here.”  
“Why did you do it?”  
I shrugged even though I knew you could not see that.  
“I panicked.”  
“Liar. You don't panic.”, amusement in you voice. I smiled a little.  
“Tell me the truth.”, you were demanding now.  
“I can't. You wouldn't believe me anyway.”  
“What if I want to believe you?”  
For the first time in a very long time I felt like I could just give in. Allow you to have this control over me once more. Even for just a moment. But I wouldn't. Because that would hurt so much more when it was over.  
“No you don't. You can't play me, Caffrey.” My voice was shaking, my body betraying me once more. Tension and anxiety pooling in my stomach, mixing together with anger and I felt like I was going to throw up any second.  
“Matt...”, you started but I interrupted you while shaking my head.  
“Don't. Just don't. You're making it worse.”, I whispered. I didn't try to hide my pain anymore. But it didn't affect the conversation in the way I hoped. You didn't hang up at that point. You sounded like you were on the edge of crying.  
“For once just tell me the truth, please...”


	5. Things you didn't say at all

**5** **) Things you didn't say at all**

  
There are no 'happily-ever-after' in the real life and if there are, they're not reserved for idiotic con-men who spend to much time pushing someone as far away as possible because they can't accept the way their hearts beat to fast in their chests and the way their breath hitches in their throats and the control that said someone has over them with nothing but a smile.  
I spent so much time denying the ability to feel something as trite as _love_ that I really believed it. So at first I didn't know what to do with these unusual desires.  
When I realized what was happening I tried to work against it.  
It didn't make any sense to me.  
Why would you of all people have this effect on me?  
And even with all this on mind I never knew if I should have been glad or angry about the fact that we never dared to put it into words.  
Not in Paris where we learned what being with each other could feel like.  
Not when you told the world we were dating after I spent a month trying to push you away after Paris.  
_Come home_ and _I miss you_ and _I can't wait to see you again_ and _I need you_ and _I don't know what I would do without you_ but never ever _I love you._  
Maybe we were waiting for the right moment.  
Maybe we were waiting for the other one to say it first.  
Maybe we were both to scared to accept the truth.  
And even though I know now that it was better for the both of us that neither one of us ever said it, it still kinda hurts.  
Because I'm thinking maybe I wouldn't have panicked when you kissed me in Berlin and wouldn't have made you run away and made us both unhappy.  
Maybe I would have thought twice about trying to take Kate away from you, to make you hate me even more.  
Maybe we would still be up and running and laughing and _living_ together if we had managed to stop running from everything and ourselves for a while and just said it out loud.  
But we never did.  
And now we never will.


	6. Things you said under the stars in the grass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea how the Central Park works, but I like this chapter.

**6) Things you said under the stars and in the grass**

  
New York was always exciting. There was always something to steal, someone to con. But New York was more to you.  
You felt at home here. You met the some of the most important people in your life in New York. You could stray trough the city for hours without getting bored. You knew all the best coffee shops and restaurants and hiding places. And sometimes I tagged along just to see how much trivia about the big apple I could learn from you in one night.  
It was around three in the morning when the idea of going to the Central Park hit you and you grabbed my hand, dragged me out of bed and forced me into clothes.  
It wasn't raining like it used to the night before but the air was chilled and it was without doubt to cold for the thin shirt I put on in a hurry. The wind stung like a bitch against my cheeks and bare arms but I wouldn't complain. I wasn't one for whining about circumstances. I worked around them. So I crossed my arms before my chest and followed you who didn't seem to be affected by the cold at all.  
You were already climbing over the fence when I reached the closed gates.  
“Hurry up!”, you snarled “The guards not gonna be gone forever!”  
I sighed, pulled myself over the fence and dropped on my feet on the over side, fighting for balance for a second before falling into the grass which was damp from dew.  
You giggled while carefully letting yourself down from the fence.  
“You're really graceful, Matt”, you said while extending your hand to help me up. I pushed myself up and ignored your offer out of sheer spite, pulling you in a hug a second later after you had lowered your hand with a little disappointment of your face.  
You laughed and squirmed in my arms as I pressed little kissed over every inch of skin I could reach.  
“We're not supposed t'be here, y'know”,I whispered against your pulse, ghosting over it with my teeth.  
“That's why we're here.”, you answer pulling away from me and taking my hand as you moved away from the fence. We walked through the night not saying a word until you suddenly stopped while I was looking at my own feet, causing me to bump into you and send us both onto the grass.  
You laughed but didn't make a move to get up and instead rolled over onto your back, one hand beneath your head.  
Another stretch of silence between us while your other hand searched for mine to intertwine our fingers and I let it happen because I didn't care to much. Didn't care enough about what it was doing to me.  
I looked up to see a clear sky, a starry night and for the time being I felt like we were invincible and it could stay like this forever. Just you and me. From city to city. From con to con. Thinking about it now makes me realize just how much your romantic nature had rubbed off on me.  
“Do you think we ever gonna stop running?”, you asked out of nowhere, your eyes still on the stars when I looked at you.  
“We could buy a little mansion, settle down, actually enjoy the money we're making. No more fear, no more looking over our shoulder.”  
For a long moment I didn't know what to say. This was just so _you_. Wishing for the impossible.  
“No”, I finally said, “There won't ever be an end to it. There will always be a next con, a next game, a next score.”  
“It doesn't have to be.”, you whispered. Maybe you had hoped that I would tell you that we would buy an island someday and live happily-ever-after.  
“We are who we are, Caffrey.”, I said instead, “And maybe we don't even know who that is, giving the fact that we spent most of our time pretending to be someone else.”  
You laughed at that, rolled onto your side to face me.  
“And who do you think you are, Matthew?”  
“The luckiest man in the world.”, I said, my breathless laughter was followed by a lazy smile.  
You touched my face, pushing slightly to get me to look at you, look at those beautiful blue eyes and then you kissed me.


	7. Things you said while we were driving

**7) Things you said while we were driving**

  
We've been on the street for hours by now, pitch black darkness swallowed everything around us and I had to fight to keep my tired eyes open. The only thing breaking the uncomfortable silence that had settled between us was the roaring engine of the rented car and the occasional passing car on the highway whose headlights broke the darkness and illuminated you face.  
The sharp line of your jar, harsh with tension. You kept looking out the window even though there was nothing to see but darkness. Lost in your thoughts.  
Kate had suggested we should go on a road trip and you said yes without thinking twice because if your precious Katie wanted something she shall receive. Your excitement faded when she told you that Alex and I would be tagging along. And your mood to hit an extraordinary low as Kate told you that you and Alex should swap seats, so they wouldn't have to speak as loud.  
The girls were sleeping now.  
I rubbed a hand across my face and fought down a yawn, fishing for a cigarette only to find that the pack in my pocket was empty.  
I felt your eyes on me while I shifted in my seat, temporarily taking my foot from the gas pedal.  
You quickly returned to looking out of the window when you noticed I caught you.  
“Can I ask you something, Keller?”, you say and I could barely make out your words over the engine.  
“Sure. What's on your mind, Caffrey?”  
“We were done with each other. Why are you still around?”  
That was a question I wasn't prepared for and as a result a thousand possible answers and outcomes shot right through my brain.  
“Because I'm a better driver than any of you?”, I joked, hoping you would just drop it.  
But you didn't. Instead you glared at me, announcing your annoyance with a loud sigh.  
“Could you for once take this seriously? I'm sick of you thinking everything's a game.”  
I nodded, pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed.  
“Because..”, I started, not sure where this was going.  
_Because I'm not strong enough to leav_ _e._ __  
Because I don't want to leave. Not really.  
Because I'm afraid I'll never get to see you again when I leave.  
Because I want you.  
Because I _**need**_ _you._  
But I did not say any of those things. Because the truth was complicated and I wasn't even sure if I really wanted you to know how much you still meant to me even though I tried my very best to get you to hate me.  
“Because she asked me to stay.”, I lied instead, “Maybe because she knows I'll do anything to protect her. Maybe she needs someone who's not afraid to get their hands dirty when it counts.”  
Truth is, Kate asked me to stay, because she knew how much it would hurt the both of us if I found the strength to go even though neither of us would admit it.  
Another car passed by and I saw your pain clearly written on your face and I immediately felt bad for saying that.  
It took you exactly four minutes and twelve seconds before you spoke again, fighting against tears that were already dropping down your cheeks.  
“Then you better get your hands dirty when it counts”


	8. Things you said when you were crying

**8) Things you said when you were crying**

  
“There are a dozen agents looking for you.”  
You had your back turned to me and for a second I could breathe freely without worrying that you would see through my scheme.  
“Why are you here?”  
I didn't answer for a while, the tension building up with every second of silence and when I finally found the right words to say I noticed the little shake of your shoulders. The way you rubbed your hand over your face, the little broken sounds you made.  
“You know what? I don't want to know.”, you said with a shaking voice even though you tried your best to hide it.  
“I want you fucking gone. And I just don't get why you can't let me be. And that would be okay, I guess, if it were just you and me, but now you dragged Peter into this.”  
You turned around now, eyes red and wet and so so blue. More tears ran down your face and I wanted to close the distance between us and kiss them away and shush you and lay the world to your feet because you meant everything and more to me.  
But that wasn't what I would tell you. Because I had a con to keep up.  
Because you had to believe that I was a sociopath and a murderer because it made things easier.  
“Aww come one, Caffrey, it was fun while it lasted, wasn't it?”, I smiled taking a step towards you.  
“I missed these little games between us while I was locked away, y'know? And your Fed boyfriend was just the right motivation for you to join the game.”  
Another sob shook your body and I could tell that you hated yourself for not being strong enough to keep your facade up.  
“How could I ever like you, Keller?”  
“I'm one charming son of a bitch.”  
The laugh coming from you was nothing but an unamused bark, really. You wiped the tears of your face.  
“I could call Peter right now. They would be here in less than five minutes and you've got nowhere to run.”  
“But you won't.”  
“What makes you so sure of that?”  
“Because I know you.”  
“The hell you do.”, you voice got louder, another sob breaking through as you took a step towards be. But you didn't make a move to attack me but to fall into my arms and continue sobbing into my shoulder.  
“Don't ever lay a hand on Peter or anyone I care about again.”, I heard you mumble against the fabric of my shirts collar. “If you wanna play games, fine, but keep 'em out of this.”  
Then it was quiet for a moment, your sobbing dying down and you straighten your posture.  
“And just because I let you get away now, doesn't mean I won't find you and put you back into prison, Keller.”  
I smiled at your threat.  
“This will be fun.”  
And I turned around and left.


	9. Things you said when I was crying

**9)** **Things you said when i was crying**

  
“ There is only so much pain a man can take, before he breaks.”, a faceless voice said while I spat out blood that had collected in my mouth. The taste of iron lingering on my tongue and every bone in my body, broken or not, screaming, I leaned away from the chair I was sitting in, probing the restraints again. But no luck. The zip ties as secure as ever.  
I didn't really know how long I have been there, sitting in this chair, tortured for answer I didn't know.  
I tried focusing on my surroundings, the bare walls, the chair, the table I could see in the corner of my eye, the voice.  
I tried to process the information I was receiving but my brain refused to work. It was to busy reminding me of the pain and the blood and the fucking pain.  
Without the ability to analyze the situation properly I felt lost.  
I couldn't remember the last time I saw actual daylight or heard another voice than my own and my torturers.  
But even though I couldn't think straight I kept fighting.  
“Fuck you.”, I breathed out as I leaned back into the chair.  
My head was yanked back, a firm grip in my hair and the coldness of a blade on my neck.  
“You will give me what I want, sooner or later”  
They let go of my hair and I heard the blade clank against metal. Probably the table.  
Then there was a sound I couldn't place. Like a constant whooshing noise.  
I only realized what it was when I felt the heat of it way to close to my bare feet. I tried to move as far away from the blow torch as possible, but 'as far away as possible' wasn't very far in fact.  
“Please...”, I managed to whisper, hating the crackling sound of my voice, “Please don't.”  
I was begging, allowing the fear to take over for a moment.  
“Tell me who you work for and how much they know, and I might stop.”, the voice said, louder than usual to be heard above the noise the blow torch was making .  
“Interpol.” I managed to bring out without sounding on the edge of tears, even though I was sure I had already said that a dozen times. “I'm an informant for Interpol.”  
The heat came closer again and it already hurt against my skin. I pressed my eyes shut, biting my lip.  
“Please! I'm telling you the truth!”  
Pleading again and if I could I would have punched myself in the face for that. And then suddenly there's bang against the door.  
And another.  
And then there is bright daylight pouring itself into the room, the blowtorch is being dropped and The Voice cursed in a language I couldn't understand.  
“ _F.B.I.! Put your hands up!_ ”  
I've never been happier to hear these word s in my life and when I hear d footsteps coming for me, fast and light, when fingers caressed my cheeks and I heard you whisper I allowed myself to break down. Even it it was for just a second.  
“It's okay”, you murmured, “I've got you. They won't hurt you anymore.”  
And I took a shaking breath, feeling tears making their way down my bruised cheekbones before they were wiped away by your careful fingers.  
“What on earth were you thinking? Taking this into your own hands like this, not waiting for us? ” I hear you whisper and I heard the pain in your voice, the fear and immediately the sick feeling in my stomach got worse. Guilt accompanying the fear that had already settled there. A moment later your lips were on mine, your tongue licking over my dry lips tasting the blood there.  
And it said more than you could.  
_I don't want to loose for forever_ and _I still need you somehow_ and _Don't ever do that again_ . __  
And the you're gone from my field of view and I feel the zip ties being cut. Carefully I bring my arms around in front of me, inspecting my cut up wrists without really seeing the damage. There is someone else, putting an arm around me and lifting me out of the chair.  
“You alright?”, no real concern in Burke ' s voice but who could blame him really. For all he knew I was a psychopath who kidnapped both him and his wife and he probably couldn't care less about my actual well being.  
“'m okay.”, I said, “'m sorry for causing s'much trouble.”  
My word s slurred together while I tried to stand on my own feet. Now that the worst tension had left my body I felt incredibly tired. Barely able to keep my eyes open I registered the ambulance waiting in front of the building. I was given over to the medics and then you were by my side again.  
“I'll stay with him,” I heard you say. Burke's answer was something harsh but I couldn't make out his exact words.  
“I don't care.”, you threw back, spite clinging to your words, “I won't leave him now.”


	10. Things you said that made me feel like shit

**10)** **Things you said that made me feel like shit**

  
Sitting in a hidden compartment of an army truck was not the best place to re-bond with your former best friend and ex-lover. And it wasn't like it mattered anyway, because I knew you hated me. I did my best to ensure that.  
You hated me because I kept coming back into your life in the most unpleasant ways possible. Because I caused trouble in your perfect new life whenever I showed up. Because I used those around you to get to you.  
This time was no exception.  
'You're doing this to pay your debts', I tried telling myself but I couldn't run from the truth. That I would do anything just to get a little bit of attention from you and that was the worst of it all.  
So much time spent with carefully planning every move I made go get you to hate me, to leave and move on so that you could be with someone you deserved only to find myself to try to get you back at every chance I've got.  
Because while you hated – _feared –_ me and moved on with Kate, with your life, I couldn't.  
I wanted to but in the end everything lead back to you.  
No matter what I did.  
“What happened to you, Keller?”, you asked. A hurt expression on your face and I smiled sadly. Avoiding to look at you.  
“I could ask you the same, Caffrey. I could ask you the same.”  
I snapped the lighter closed, letting the darkness of the compartment consume us, mostly because I couldn't stand the look of your sad eyes anymore.  
“I'm sorry I ran away that night in Berlin.”, you mumbled after a moment of silence and I felt a rush of guilt washing over me. You shouldn't be sorry about that. I wanted you to run away. To be scared of me.  
“I didn't know what to do. I was scared you would shoot me next.”  
“I know.”, I whispered, more to myself than to you. I swallowed around the lump that was forming in my throat.  
“But even if I'm sorry for just running away, I can never forgive you, Keller. You straight up murdered a guy. Just for the sake of it.”  
I nodded, repeating myself, “I know.”, and letting the silence settle  
_I never expected you to, Neal. Even when I want to change what I did so bad. Even when I want you to somehow forgive me and allow me back in your life, I know it's for the best this way. Because in the end this was the easiest for you._  
And I'm sorry for coming back into your life after everything and I'm sorry for hurting you and your loved ones but I just can't stay away. I can't. And this is the only way _I know,_ I added in my mind, feeling like jumping from the truck and just run away. But I couldn't do that. _Matthew_ might have done that. But _Matthew_ also would  have broken up with Neal in a more human fashion instead of shooting a guy just because it was an easy way out of something he was afraid of because he couldn't understand it.  
_Keller_ had done that. And _Keller_ would go through with his plan to get the Nazi treasure to pay his debts with the Russians.  
And somewhere in the darkest corner of my subconsciousness _Matt_ wanted nothing more than to hold Neal and tell him how sorry he was for everything he ever did to hurt Neal.


	11. Things you said when you were drunk

**11)** **Things you said when you were drunk**

  
I don't know what I was thinking when I stood at your door after our first meeting with the Panthers, a bottle of expensive wine in one hand takeout boxes in the other.  
But I was there and I hoped you wouldn't just slam the door in my face and yell at me to get lost.  
Still I was genuinely surprised when you actually allowed me to come in, taking the food from me and moving to get two wine glasses from the cupboard. You set them down on the table in the middle of the apartment and then looked at me.  
It took me a second to get my legs to move over to you and place the wine on the table for you to open.  
Wordlessly you told me to sit down, so I pulled the chair back and seated myself, head slightly bowed in an apologetic manner. You filled both glasses up and moved one over to me while you lifted the other to your lips and took a sip before you sat down in the chair next to me. A long moment passed in which neither of us moved and it ended when you finally broke the silence with a sigh.  
“What are you doing here, Keller?”  
I lifted my head and shrugged. “I guess I just wanted us to be on the same page when we're both working for the Panthers now.”  
I studied your face taking in the blueness of your eyes without worrying to much about what you could read on my face. I could clearly see that you weren't buying the story. Your eyes flicker down to my wrist for a second, before you looked back at my face again.  
“You could have sold me out to Woodford.”  
“But I didn't”, I said.  
“But you didn't. Why?”  
“Why do you care?”, I said with a shrug straightening my posture and then leaning back in the chair. You rolled your eyes.  
“You're supposed to be in a prison in Russia. So I have to know what game you're playing, if you want us to be on the same page.”  
“And with 'You have to know' you mean Burke wants to know, right?”  
You looked away, your lips pressed together, your jaw tense and I regretted saying that immediately. It's funny how much control you still  had over me. You took another sip of wine before you forcefully put the glass down.  
“Stop picking fights and talk to me, Matthew.”  
For a long moment I couldn't quite process your sentence. This certain tone in your voice that always had been reserved for occasions like this, were I was avoiding the actual subject. But what startled me even more was that you used my first name. It's been years since you called me that.  
“I didn't blow your cover because it would blow mine eventually. When I heard that you broke into Woodfords office and that you would be the newbie instead of that other fella? I knew you would be there to bring the Panthers down. Which is why I'm there too.”  
I sighed and then rolled up my left sleeve just enough so you could see the scar running vertically up my arm. I knew it wouldn't take long for you to put two and two together so I just leaned back when you whispered “Interpol” to yourself, reaching out to touch the scar.  
You looked up and smiled sadly.  
“So they actually chip their informants now? Like dogs?”  
I nodded.  
“It's a lot more practical than your anklet. But it hurts like hell and never seems to stop itching.”  
I scratched the scar as to emphasize what I just said.  
“Point is,” I continued “We could each do our thing and fail in the end 'cause we worked against each other or we could work together and both get what we want.”  
You sighed, took your glass again and looked at the dark red liquid inside before you gave it a light swirl and took another sip.  
“Alright. What's your plan?”  
  
A few hours, a mostly cold take-out-dinner and a few bottles of wine later you seemed to have forgotten who was in your flat because you kept pushing yourself into my personal space while we played trough different scenarios to find a way to bring the Panthers down without getting either one of us (or anyone for that matter) killed. When you filled your glass again you made a disappointed noise as the last bit of liquid dropped out of the bottle.  
“You've been drinking to much, Darling.”, I said with an unusual casualty mostly because I haven't been paying enough attention to my choice of words.  
“As if you haven't been drinking...”,you said, pouting a little, “Sweetheart”, you added after a moment and I couldn't help but laugh a little. You smiled as well, moving over to me again with a half full glass of wine.  
“So I guess I'm to drunk to be helpful with all of this now.”, you mumbled, waving your hand in a manner to address the mess of sketches and maps and files on the table, “So what do you say and we end this for tonight? Maybe we could head over somewhere less upright.”  
You took another sip of whine and then set the glass down next to my hand on the table.  
I felt your hand on my shoulder and I knew I shouldn't. I really should have stopped there but as you had said, I had my fair share of the wine. But I still  should have known better than to just give in this easily.  
We both would regret this.  
But I turned to you anyway, pulled you a little closer. A desperate sound escaped the back of your throat and you leaned in to kiss me, a little cautious as if I was going to put an end to this if you overstepped the line. As if a mistake would break the spell.  
When I leaned up a little and met you cautious movement with a little more determination, you dared to actually kiss me. Sweet and soft and gentle. Not the raging anger that was with us that very  first night in  Monaco , nor the hu rried desperation that followed when neither of us was sure what had happened between the two of us.  
No this was something fundamentally different.  
Because it meant something that neither of us could really express.  
There was nothing outside of the walls of this apartment that mattered right now. Just us and this moment and all the moments that we had shared before.  
It reminded me of Paris.   
I felt your hands finding their way up my chest, careful yet determined as they pushed me back slightly. We parted for a moment, looking into each others eyes, seeing a mix of emotion we thought long lost.  
So when you connected our lips again, it was with a force I wasn't prepared for.  
“Need you”, you breathed out between kisses as you proceeded to push me further into the direction of your bed.  
“Fucking needed you all these years ago.”  
“You're drunk”, I whispered, badly covering up the fact how much it hurt me to hear you say that not that it mattered, since you obviously didn't listen to me.   
“I thought a lot about you while I was in prison.”, you whispered into my ear, knowing what kind of connection my brain would make. And how your words would get straight into my pants. I tried to remain reasonable. But when you nipped at my neck, your teeth grazing over the sensitive skin I was completely lost.  
Groaning, I pulled you closer, pressing my hip against yours.  
You fingers fumbled with my shirt, pulling it over my head before your fingers explored the skin, tracing a pattern that I couldn't see.  
“I missed you so much.”, you mumbled against my collarbone, “Say something.”, you added in a whine.  
But I couldn't speak.  
Everything that came to my mind was way to emotional to say it now. To honest.   
So I lifted a hand and ran it trough your hair instead, pulling you up and pressed another kiss onto your lips.  
A promise that one day I'  would find the strength to tell you all the weird and wicked corners of my thinking and that one day I' d be able to tell just how much you actually mean to me.


	12. Things you said when you thought I was asleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay Update!
> 
> Thanks also to everyone who takes/took the time to read this disaster and for all the kudos and the comment! You're great people!

**12) Things you said when you thought I was asleep**

  
It wasn't unusual for you to be up in the middle of the night. Sometimes it was a particularly risky heist or complicated con that kept you up sometimes you were just to full of energy after a particularly risky heist or con. I got used to you leaving the warm comfort of the beds we shared and not coming back for several hours sometimes. There were nights were you wouldn't come back at all, but woke me with the smell of breakfast as soon as the clock flashed 6am.  
What I wasn't used to was the sound of your voice next to me sounding somewhat sad, a little hoarse.  
So when I woke up to a scenario like that, with your head still bedded on my shoulder and your finger tracing intricate designs on my chest, I didn't dare to move. I kept my breath slow and steady pretending to be asleep. With my eyes closed I concentrated on you voice.  
“You know”, you murmured, “When we met in Monaco, I never thought this would be where we would end up.”  
I could only imagine the smile playing around your lips as you spoke. A sad smile but a smile nonetheless. Instinctively I wanted to hold you closer, wanted to show you that whatever was on your mind that made you say this like this was the end of everything wasn't real.  
“But I guess you wouldn't have thought of it either. Hell, you probably thought I was an annoying little brat not worth your time.” You hand stopped mid-motion, laying flat on my chest now. “But you put up with all my bullshit, even though you had no reason to. You saved me, more than once. And I'm terribly grateful for that.”  
There was a sick feeling that settled in my stomach as I realized that this was a way one would say goodbye. You shifted a little, repositioning your head so you could press a soft kiss against my neck. You sighed while you started back on you patterns on my chest.  
“And I really don't know while you still put up with me. But thanks, Matt. Thanks for not giving up on me. Thanks for taking care of me.”


	13. Things you said at the kitchen table

**13)** **Things you said at the kitchen table**

  
“  Thanks, Theresa. Dinner  was lovely as usual ”, you said with a smile on you lips that could easily charm it's way into anyone's heart.  A small affectionate smile played around my own lips, as I focused on the tablecloth I was playing with. My sister laughed a little and patted my shoulder as she stood up to carry the plates over to the sink in the kitchen. “Thank you, Neal. At least one of you knows to appreciate my cooking.”  
You joined her laughter and turned to me, still smiling.  
“That wasn't that bad now, was it?”, you asked, taking my hand before I could pull another loose thread from the fabric. You had insisted on spending at least a day at my sisters place for Hanukkah and I agreed because I knew you wouldn't stop bugging me about it.  
I sighed. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy spending time with my sister and her twins, but she wasn't fond of my career choice and she showed that at every opportunity she got. She would have turned me in if it weren't for the sake of Keith and Felicia. She wouldn't force her children to miss out the part of their childhood that was their adored uncle who kept turning up in irregular intervals to spoil them with presents and a 'rules-need-to-be-broken'-policy.   
“It was okay”,I said after a moment turning towards you. You chuckled and pressed a quick but intense kiss on my lips, to with the twins on the opposed side of the tabled reacted with a mutual groaning.  
“This is worse than Mum making out with her new boyfriend!”, Keith exclaimed while he pushed his chair back.  
“They're not even making out, Kee.”, Felicia laughed but followed his example and got up. “We gonna leave you to it. Thanks for coming over, Uncle Matt.”, she added with a smile before she proceeded to pull her brother out of the dining room down the hall to their bedrooms.  
Your gaze followed the m until they were in their respective bedrooms and then you turned back to me, a faint blush laying on your cheeks.  
“I love your family.”, you whispered, leaning closer to me as if you were telling me a secret and I couldn't help but laugh.  
“Wait 'till you meet my Ma. You ain't gonna love them anymore after that.”  
You rolled your eyes, gently hitting my arm.  
“Does that mean, you gonna introduce me to your mother?”, you asked with anticipation, smiling widely as if you were just giving one of the greatest presents ever. With a look like that on your face I just couldn't say no. I sighed instead, letting you know about my discomfort, but I nodded.  
“If you really want to, I will.”  
You threw your arms around me pulling me into a close hug before you pulled back a little to press a nother kiss onto my lips.  
“I'd love to, Matt”, you mumbled against my lips after we parted, “That would really mean a lot to me.”   
We never got around meeting my mother.  I kept pushing it out of my mind, postponing a trip  to the hell that was my childhoodhome , not ready to face this part of my past. And when I felt like I could meet her, I had already pushed you far enough away that you denied the existence of anything else but a relationship based on rivalry and aversion.


	14. Things you said after you kissed me

**14) Things you said after you kissed me**

_  
_ You had a tendency to choose the most inconvenient moments to steal a kiss. While painting you would pull me over to the easel from time to time to press a chaste kiss onto my lips, sometimes mid-stroke. During a heist with a bunch of cops on our heels. When I had to concentrate on picking a lock.  
But right now, in front of the Panthers minutes before we started with the main part of Woodfords plan with your handler in disguise just a few feet away whose glare tried to burn right through me? By far the most inconvenient.  
I don't know what part of your brain decided it would be a good idea to kiss me, moments before we pulled the greatest heist of the century, but I sure wish that you're would have had better impulse control.  
  
“Alright. Let's go, men.”, Woodford had announced, rubbing his hands together while he stepped away from the table. “To the heist of the century.”, he added with a smile.  
We nodded and I was the first to break out of formation making my way over to the door.  
I had almost reached it, when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I stopped and turned around to see you standing right behind me, to close. A look in your eyes that never meant anything good.  
But instead of pulling away and preventing whatever stupid idea had formed in your head I just stood there, waiting for your move.  
I didn't know how much about us you had revealed to Burke but I think I just assumed that you wouldn't have wanted him to know about the sexual (or romantic) aspect of our “professional” relationship.  
With that in mind it caught me off guard when you leaned in and pressed your lips against mine in a desperate manner. Your hands came up to cup the sides of my face, keeping me in place and pulling me closer and all I could do was give in and kiss back, grabbing your waist just to hold you.  
When you pulled away after a long moment you were slightly panting, a smile on your lips.  
“For luck.”, you whispered softly, “And don't you dare run off without me.”  
I returned your smile, even though every sensible cell in my body told me to just get the hell out of there. But for once I allowed those buried and denied feelings to take over and I leaned back in to press another kiss of your lips, sweet and thoughtful.  
“I wouldn't dream of it.”, I said as I pulled away and let go of you to make my way out of the building.

  



	15. Things you said with to many miles between us

**15) Things you said with too many miles between us**

__  
Fleeing to the other side of the country wasn't a very adult reaction to being introduced to a beautiful woman with eyes full of secrets and a smile to die for. But it was the only reaction I was capable of hours after I first met the girl that would be your inevitable death sentence.  
“Come on, it's not like I want you to have dinner with the fed's.”, you laughed and tugged at my wrist again. Impatient as ever.  
“I'm still smoking.”, I grinned sarcastically before I inhaled deeply, keeping the smoke trapped in my lungs as long as possible. Of course I was just buying time to build up a little bit of courage but that wasn't something I would tell you. I threw the cigarette on the ground and stepped on it as I breathed out. Seconds after that you had pulled me into the restaurant and asked the waiter after the table reserved under the name “Caffrey”.  
The boy nodded and told you, that your companion already arrived while he led us over to the table.  
“Hey Kate”,you said with a smile, catching her attention. As soon as she saw you, a smile spread on her lips and she stood up as soon as she noticed me. She pulled you into a tight hug, pressing a kiss onto your cheek. After making it obvious to me that I did in fact not belong here, she extended her hand for me to shake.  
“Kate Moreau.”, she told me, “It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Matthew. Neal barely shuts up about you.” ' _It's really annoying'_ was clearly written on her face. I returned her smile, because you expected me to. But I didn't shake her hand, that now hung awkwardly between us until she took it down. I saw a moment of disappointment on your face, a small scolding glance was thrown my way and then Kate prompted us to sit down, announcing that she had already ordered a bottle of wine.  
You really tried working me into your effortlessly flowing conversation during the dinner, but I just didn't feel like engaging into a conversation with someone who clearly only tolerated my presence for your sake. It took some time but eventually you let go and just stroked my thigh reassuringly from time to time.  
The later it got the more I felt like just running away. Kate made her intentions for the evening very clear as she moved her chair closer to you after finishing her dessert. A wandering hand on your thigh another on your shoulder. It wasn't until she almost climbed into your lab that I couldn't resist my urge to just leave anymore. Judging from the triumphant look on Kate's face I didn't to that good of a job hiding my discomfort under a stern glare while I got up, grabbed my coat and placed a set of bills onto the table. I didn't dare to look at you before I turned and left the restaurant as fast as I could without looking like I was running away.  
Once outside I let the cool night air fill my lungs. With trembling hands I pulled a pack of smokes from my jacket and lit one, hoping the nicotine would calm my nerves. I stood there, freezing and smoking, until I felt composed enough to speak again.  
I dumped the butt into the ashtray next to me and called for a cab to take me back to my apartment.  
As soon as I got there I threw everything I called my own into a bag, checking twice if I really got every evidence of my stay and then I ran.  
I had just gotten to the airport when your first text reached me.  
' _Where are you, Matt?'_  
I didn't respond. Just turned my phone off and forgot about everything as I made my way over to the gates.  
\---  
I turned my phone back on as I stepped out onto the streets of San Francisco. There were two more texts and a few missed calls. Two messages on my mailbox.  
' _Answer me'_ one of the texts read ' _Seriously. I'm worried_ _'_ was the other. I sighed already realizing that I had reacted in the most childish way possible. But my pride didn't exactly allow me to admit that out loud. I hoisted my bag over my shoulder and then went down the street, pressing my phone to my ear to listen to the voice mails.  
_'Hey Matt, I don't know what exactly went wrong tonight, so I wanted to make sure you were alright. Call me back please.'_  
_'Hey, me again. I'm sorry, okay?'_  
You sounded distressed, maybe you had just reached my... _the_ apartment only to find me obviously gone.  
_'This wasn't_ _how_ _I wanted things to go and now you're gone and you don't answer your phone and I don't know if you're alright. Please, Matt, I need...'_  
The sentence hung there unfinished for about a minute and I checked twice if the recording was still playing. When you spoke again you seemed a lot calmer, more focused.  
_'Just come home, please. Let's talk this out and I don't drag you to meet my new friends anymore'_  
There was a beep, telling me that the message ended there so I pocketed my phone and sighed while running a hand through my hair.  
_Come home_ you had said as if I knew where that was supposed to be. But I didn't. What was 'home' supposed to be for men like us? Most likely not a place. I shook my head and made my way to the next hotel, throwing my bag carelessly on the floor as soon as I got into my room. I got myself a beer from the minibar and dialed your number.  
It took two rings until you picked up.  
“Matthew!”, was the first word from you, “Are you alright? Where are you?!”  
I laughed a little. “Calm down, Caf.”, I said then, maybe a little more distant than necessary before taking a sip of beer. “I'm fine.”  
Silence stretched between us as you waited for an answer to your other question but I refused to give you one. I had yet to admit to my stupid behavior.  
“Look, Neal, I'm not mad. I'm glad you found someone who suits your needs.”, I said instead, “Kate's a wonderful woman. I'm sure you two will be happy.”  
“Bullshit”, you halfheartedly yelled, “Get your stupid ass back home, immediately.”  
“Please, I miss you.”, you added a moment later, quieter, softer.  
Another big gulp of the beverage in my hands found it's way down my throat. “You're such a girl”, I teased then, a little smile fighting it's way on my frown. “Alright. I gotta handle some business and then I'll head _home_..”, I mumbled, putting a special emphasis on the word to make it clear, that we had two different definitions.  
“You gonna tell me where you are?”  
“So you can ruin your precious con and head over here? I don't think so.”  
“Okay. Be careful then. Don't let me wait to long. And _c_ _ome home_ _,_ ”, you said again, making sure I don't forget my objective.


	16. Things you said with no space between us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick Update before I have to go to school
> 
> Uhm... I don't know what to say about this other than this is my first try at anything smut related? Please have mercy on me.

**16)** **Things you said with no space between us**

_  
_ I did come back, though. Because I couldn't stay away from you.  
I headed over to the apartment block which used to be my residence during my last stay in the city, unlocked the door and entered the spacious room. You weren't there but your clothes on the floor and the empty wine bottles told me that you were currently living here. Or maybe you just used this as a convenient place to fuck with Kate. I didn't know and I didn't really care. I just threw my bag onto the perfectly made bed only to drop down next to it. With my face buried in the pillow, inhaling the faint scent of your presence, I rummaged in my pockets until I found my phone.  
Fighting a yawn, I managed to go trough my contacts and send you two little words.  
' _I'm home_ '  
I placed the device on the nightstand and rubbed my eyes, trying to stay awake but minutes later I had dozed off.

The sound of keys rattling and the creak of the floorboards was what woke me later.  
“Neal?”, I called out without lifting my head. The footsteps came closer, a light chuckle.  
“Yeah, it's me.”, you whispered, “Sorry, Vincent wanted me to stay a little longer.”  
“You fucking him now too?”, I asked and wanted to punch myself the second the words had left my mouth. “Sorry, I didn't mean that.”, I added quickly, while the sleepy haze lifted itself from my brain.  
“Yes you did.”, I heard you say as you lifted my stuff from the bed and placed it on the floor, before sitting next to me on the bed. “And I understand.”  
With a yawn I sat up and turned to looked at you. Exhaustion was clearly written on you face and maybe a hint of embarrassment. I scooted closer to you and put an arm around your shoulders, carefully I pulled you into a hug and you immediately leaned in and rested your head on my shoulder.  
“I was worried you'd never come back.”, you mumbled before you covered your mouth to hide a yawn and laughed when I yawned as well.  
“I always come back.”, I whispered next to your ear, knowing about the shiver that would run down your spine.  
“What would I do without that sinful mouth?”, I added in another teasing manner.  
A smirk made it's way onto your face before you leaned in and kissed me in a sinful manner with said sinful mouth. Your hand pressed lightly on my shoulders, until I gave in and laid back onto the mattress. You broke the kiss for a moment, panting, your beautiful eyes fogged with lust, your hands frantically roaming over my body, tugging at my clothes, shoving themselves under my shirt, exploring every inch of skin they could reach. Carefully I lifted both hands to your face closer again, gently placing a kiss onto your lips.  
“Let's do this right, for once.”, I whispered.  
“We don't do _right_ , Matt.”, you replied, urgency in your voice, as you knelt above me, hips brushing up against each other. “And I don't want right. I want hard and fast and dirty and _you_!”  
I couldn't hold back a moan as you grinded your hips downwards to prove your point. “Didn't get off with Adler, huh?”, I teased and grabbed your hips to stop your movements. “You know how this goes, Caffrey. We do it my way or we don't do it at all.” A pout appeared on your face and was gone as soon as it came, replaced with anticipation. Quickly I flipped us over, placing my hands on either side of your head. I could see that you thought you had already won this battle and I saw the disappointment when I leaned down to press another chaste kiss on your wanting lips. A low whine escaped your mouth as I sat upright and slowly unbuttoned your dress-shirt.   
Carefully I caressed the skin underneath the fabric, stroking along your sides downwards while I pressed a kiss onto your collarbone and another one just where I could feel your heart beating inside your chest.  
“Hurry the fuck up and fuck me already.”, you ordered, impatiently trying to shove me down. I shook my head and smiled up at you.  
“I said I want to do it right for once. Treat you the way you deserve to be treated.”  
“You could always just treat me the way I _want_ to be treated”, you snapped back but the pressure on my shoulders died down. I smiled as I slowly made my way down to the waistband of your jeans. I unbuckled and got rid of your belt rather fast, but I took my time again, as I opened them up and shoved them down to your ankles where they were quickly discarded onto the floor. You lifted yourself up and shrugged out of your shirt and threw that off the bed too. I felt your fingers twisting in my t-shirt, pulling at the fabric until I let you pull it over my head, so it could join your clothes on the floor.  
“Can you please come to your senses now?”, you asked with a pleasured sigh when I left a trail of light kisses, which marked my way upwards your thigh. I didn't respond and started removing my own pants instead. When you sat up to help me, I just pushed you down again.  
Slowly, teasingly I worked myself out of the denim and the silken fabric of my briefs and then I grabbed you hip, rubbing small circles onto the bone with my thumb. “You gonna beg for it?”, I asked, purposely lowering my voice and watching a shiver of arousal washing over you. “Never. I don't beg.”, you stated, eyes closes head turned to the side, a faint blush creeping up your cheeks and I could only laugh. “Well, you'll have to if you really want me to do it the usual way.”, I challenged but you just bit your bottom lip and a victorious smile spread on my lips. With a pace that could make a sloth proud I freed you from the restricting fabric that covered your hips and I felt you squirm underneath my hands, desperate for any sort of friction. Still smiling I leaned back over you as I tossed the undergarments to the floor to press our lips together again. With an unknown passion that burned in my veins since I left, I lowered myself without breaking the heated kiss, while your legs tangled around my waist. We both couldn't contain the moans when our bodies finally connected and you gently rocked against me. With a sigh I sat up and smiled down on you laying spread out before me then I leaned over the edge of the bed to search my bag for the bottle of lube that had left it's convenient place on the nightstand when I left weeks ago. When I finally found it and a condom between hidden between the clothes, I returned my attention to you to see that you had a hand wrapped around your cock, lazily stroking, while you watched me with an almost shy smile. Just as I got in position to carefully work you open and prepare you for whats to come, you shook your head. “Not necessary..”, you mumbled, a little embarrassed. It took me a second to comprehend what you said but when the meaning of your words became clear in my mind, my thoughts were fogged with a raging jealousy almost immediately. “So you have been fucking Adler.”, I growled, my thoughts of taking things slow and making this as pleasurable for you as possible almost forgotten as the want of claiming you in the most primal manner and somehow punishing you for allowing Adler to have you pushed forward. But I didn't act on in, especially when I saw the hurt expression on your face. “I'm sorry”, you whispered, “I'm sorry I didn't think..:”  
“You never think about the consequences, Neal”, I interrupted with a shake of my head to clear my thoughts.   
“I'm sorry”, you said again but I didn't answer to that. I breathed deeply for a moment and then returned my attention to the task before me. I leaned down to press a possessive kiss on your lips while I rolled on the condom with trained ease. “Did he hurt you?”, I asked gently as I spread some of the lube over my cock and then carefully rubbed some around your opening. “He didn't exactly care about my well being, but it wasn't to bad.”, I heard you say while I spread your legs a little wider, lining myself up, before slowly pushing in. The hand that was still wrapped around your cock stopped in it's motion, you mouth open in a silent moan. Once my dick was buried deeply inside of you, your hand caught me around the neck and pulled me down into a kiss.  
“Is this what you want, Matthew?”, you asked against my lips as we broke apart. “Me. All here for you and only you to take in any manner you want?”  
I just smiled and pressed another short kiss on your mouth before pulling out and slowly thrusting back in, watching the emotions wander over your face, desperate for all the little noises you made.   
“Is that why you ran away? Because you couldn't stand the thought of me being with someone else?”, you murmured between thrusts but I couldn't answer. Because I didn't want to lie to you but I also couldn't tell you the truth. So instead of answering I quickened my pace, pushed deeper and reached between us to gently stroke your cock. A gasp quickly followed by another moan fell from you lips but even if you seemed to enjoy it, I slowed down again as soon as the hint of a pained expression laid itself over your face.  
“It's okay, Matt. I can take it.”, you assured pushing your hips up a little to meet my thrust but again I shook my head. “Doesn't matter”, I whispered, “I don't want to hurt you.”   
Our eyes locked for a moment and I was sure you could see it all on my face. All the fear and the jealousy and more importantly the unconditional adoration and love. But you didn't say anything, so I kept quiet as well and returned my full attention back to the task of pleasuring you.


	17. Things you said that I wish you hadn't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update, yay.  
> There might be more mistakes in this one 'cause I'm posting this immediately after rewriting it (again) and if I wait another day to beta it first I'll never get it done.  
> I'm almost fine the way it is now, so there might be another rewrite/edit, so I'll let you guys know when anything here changes, if anything changes.

**17) Things you said that i wish you hadn't**

  
“That's the only good thing about you, Keller. You're so damn predictable.”  
But I wasn't. Because I hadn't pulled the trigger during our little fight but you. You had shot yourself for a reason I couldn't see and my mind was blank with panic. For the first time in a very long time I had no idea what to do. Blood was quickly soaking through the white fabric of your shirt, your face twisted in a pained expression. I wanted to reach out to comfort you but my limbs weren't moving.  
“Maybe you're right and this is the end for you and me,” I mumble, because I didn't trust my own voice.  
I had to get away because evidence spoke against me. The gun was in my hands now. Burke wouldn't let me tell my side of the story nor would he believe it. But I couldn't just leave you here to die, could I?  
The surprise that widened your eyes when I dropped the gun to fully kneel beside you was enough to prove that you in fact haven't wasted a thought on the possibility that I wouldn't immediately bail.  
“Except it's not, apparently.”, I said louder now, opening up your dress shirt and shrugging of my jacket to press it down onto the bullet hole in your stomach. It wouldn't take long for your guard dog to find you.  
“What are you doing?”, you asked with a trembling in your voice.  
“Apparently not what you predicted. How was this supposed to go?”, I retorted, applying more pressure to the wound, causing you to hiss in pain, “You wanted me imprisoned for your murder?”  
You sighed and let your head fall back onto the brick floor. “Why do you have to ruin everything for me, Keller?”  
“You want an honest answer or one that fits the picture?”  
I couldn't stand it. The way you would answer any uncomfortable question with another off topic question, but I wasn't in the position to scold you really.  
“It would look like I shot you. Why, Neal?”, I tried again. Tried to keep you focused.  
“Because, “you started, breathing heavily and a terrible sick feeling settled in my stomach, “you were supposed to run and keep Peter distracted.”  
My hands were shaking when I took my jacket off the wound to rearrange the fabric, before putting it down again. Where was that goddamn man?  
“And I would finally be free of everything. No more strings attached.”, you continued then.  
“No Peter to tell me what I could be anymore. No Moz to keep telling me that I'll never be anything other than a con-man. No FBI to keep finding excused to keep me in slavery.”  
“No Keller to rush in and ruin everything with his stupid games.”, I added bitterly. _With his stupid games and_ _even more stupid_ _feelings_ , I thought.  
“Yeah”, you laughed breathless, “I figured, only a dead man is a truly free man.”  
The faint sound of footsteps echoed against the walls and I looked around to see the faint glow of a flashlight from behind.  
“But why the effort?”, I mumbled, a quick gaze to the money, “There are a million ways to die. If that's the score, why this one?”  
The footsteps were coming closer now. Three different kinds of steps. Burke and possibly his minions. I lifted a bloodied hand to gently cup your cheek. I didn't expect you to lean into my touch and I almost pulled my hand back as soon as you did.  
“I wanted it to be you.”, you whispered then, “Everybody always said you were gonna be the end of me. And I wanted that to be true.”  
“ _Put your hands where I can see them, Keller!”_ , Burke shouted now. Slowly I lifted my hands. Moments later I was pulled away from you and put into handcuffs, while Burke took my position.  
I couldn't help but chuckle a little at the metaphorical meaning of the picture in front of me. I heard Burke murmur next to you, Berrigan was on her phone, probably calling an ambulance, Jones just stood behind me, a hand placed on the chain between the cuffs.  
“I didn't pull the trigger.”, I mumbled. “I would never hurt him like that.”  
I didn't even care anymore. I was loosing you. Again and permanently and I couldn't be bothered to cover up anything right now. For a second I considered attacking Jones, forcing them to take me down. Permanently. Just choosing Death instead of all this bullshit.  
“Shut you mouth. You wanted him gone and out of the way.”, Burke spat at me. “You two took some of the money and you got greed-”  
Your hand on the agent's arm interrupted him. He looked down at you and I could see tears dwelling in his eyes.  
“Peter? This may be the last chance I get.”, you whispered against the sound of sirens coming closer, “I'm sorry that I'll never be what you saw in me. But I'm grateful that you never stopped trying to see the good in me. I loved every minute of our time together.”  
I expected anger, jealousy, really anything to flood me when I heard you say it to the man responsible for the last four years of pain and slavery you endured but there was nothing of that. Just an almost delusional numbness. I felt my heart beating in my chest, fast and hard and painful. I felt my breath filling my lungs, heavy and useless. Everything seemed to loud in my ears and yet there was nothing but the white noise that absolute silence caused in ones ears.  
Hot tears stung in my eyes and made their way down my cheeks as the paramedics made their way over to you. When our eyes met for a last time in that brick walled grave, I saw an emotional pain accompanying the physical one. Your hand brushed briefly against my arm when they carried you out possibly to gain my attention for a last time.  
“I'm sorry, Matthew. See you soon.”, you whispered and then you were gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional note: If there's anything you'd like me to write just tell me. I'm more than happy to fullfill wishes and I still don't know what to write for chapter 23.


	18. Things you said when you were scared

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's valentines day and I let the boys suffer...  
> Enjoy!

**18)** **Things you said when you were scared  
**  
Berlin went down without complications (mostly).  
And even though my job was mostly to provide distraction while you and a guy named Lewis Kingston got in to switch some English jewels for your forgeries, I was still just as high on endorphins and adrenaline as you two were once we were out of the building. I remember your vibrant smile and the way your were basically bursting with excitement as we walked down the sidewalk back to our hotel. If things went like calculated the theft wouldn't be discovered until early afternoon the next day, so we weren't rushing to get away. So while we mostly walked in silence you took my hand and intertwined our fingers and surrounded by nothing but quiet darkness I could almost allow myself to enjoy this simple gesture that had my heart beating even faster in my chest.  
Almost. But my mind kindly reminded me of the third man that was barely two steps ahead of us, nervously looking over his shoulder every now and then.  
So when you suddenly stopped before pulling me in for a passionate kiss while Kingston wasn't looking and my heart skipped a beat and fear settled in my stomach and anger at my own stupidity rose. This was exactly the kind of situation I knew I had to prevent from happening. The moment when the hours spent secretly behind locked doors wouldn't be enough to satisfy you anymore. I felt sick and pulled away, but the sad look on your face only made me feel worse. You blamed yourself already and you didn't even know what was about to happen. I had known from the very beginning that this moment would com sooner or later and that things between us would come to an unhappy ending. I just had hoped it wouldn't come so soon.  
And it's not like I didn't like the idea, the fantasy of us as something serious without all the hiding.  
But they're just that. Fantasies. That wasn't how things went between us. Sure, we would end this glorious heist with a just as glorious fuck and maybe we'd order some pizza and spent some time cuddled together on the bed like an ordinary couple in the little bubble of imaginative space that was our hotel room but out here on the open street for everyone to see?  
That wasn't us.  
That wasn't _me_.  
But it was was you truly wanted and that was a suffocating thought. Mostly because it took all the air out of my lungs to think about something I could never give you no matter how desperately you wanted it.  
I'd do almost anything for you but the concept of a real, serious relationships with all the rules and boundaries and everything terrified me. A shrink might see the cause of that in a trauma in my fucked up childhood or some bullshit like that. And now I let you way to close and this was the price I had to pay for that. Somehow I had to show you that I wasn't and never would be the kind of man you wanted to be with. There was no way I could just let things continue now. I had to end it now, once and for all even if I didn't want to loose you.  
But it didn't matter what I wanted. The only thing that mattered was what was best for you. That was sure as hell wasn't me. And I knew that if I wouldn't give you a good reason to leave you would just come back. I had to make sure that wouldn't happen.  
And then I remembered the gun shoved carelessly in the back of my waistband. The gun of which you thought it laid save with my other belongings in our room.  
  
_'Have you ever used it?' you asked with the curiosity of a child as your hands jokingly aimed the gun at my coat that hung over a chair. Your index finger gently placed on the trigger._  
 _'Sure. But I haven't hurt anyone with it. Yet.. It's for protection.', I answered when I took it out of your hands to place it back in it's metal casing._  
 _'You don't even kill spiders. You wouldn't ever actually hurt someone with that thing.', you laughed and I was surprised of your line of thought. When I didn't join your laughter it died down. A hint of worry in your eyes. 'Would you?'_  
 _'I would.', I said after a moment. 'If someone were to hurt you, or Kate for that matter, I would.'_  
 _I noticed the way your swallowed and the way your eyes flickered over my body._  
 _'That's kinda hot. Alarming but hot.', you mumbled before dragging me to bed._  
  
You wouldn't possibly come back to a killer, would you?  
And just as this part of a plan formed inside my head, Kingston abruptly stopped.  
“Shit!”, he shouted, “I think I lost my passport.”  
I vaguely remember actually pulling the gun and pulling the trigger.  
What I clearly remember is the way the shot rang in my ears and the way Kingston's dead body fell onto the concrete and the way your eyes widened, mouth covered in shock.  
Fear was written all over your face as you pulled your hand away, taking a few steps back.  
“Matthew, what the hell?”, you asked, voice kept quiet but clearly full of fear.  
I didn't answer but slowly lowered the weapon. My hands were shaking, my wrist hurt. The white noise in my ears deafening.  
“Matthew? I'm talking to you! Why the fuck do you have a goddamn gun?”, you said, louder this time.  
The way your voice wavered and cracked with panic would ring after in my ears and haunt me for month.  
When I turned to look at you you took another step back, looking around to scan the environment for an escape route. Like an animal that was backed into a corner, ready to jump at the first opportunity it got. I would still lie awake with that image burned into my mind almost a year later.  
“I thought it was meant for protection.”, you mumbled then, more to yourself and I could see tears pooling up in your eyes making them even bigger, even bluer and making me feel like shit.  
“This is protection.”, I heard myself say in a cold monotone while all I wanted to do was hug you and tell you I'm sorry. Maybe that I had to do it. But most importantly that you were save. That I wouldn't hurt you.  
But that wouldn't serve the purpose of this _murder_.  
I took a steps towards you anyway and still felt hurt when you backed away.  
“No it wasn't.”, you said. “This wasn't protection, Matt. You just killed a guy!”  
“Yeah, I did.”, I shot back, looking at the dead body. Blood pooled on the pavement. “And you know what, Caff'? I'd do it again.”  
Your eyes turned wide again, a tear now making its way down your cheek and a moment later all that was left of you was the echo of your footsteps. I could only watch you disappear into the darkness.


	19. Things you said when we were the happiest we ever were

**19)** **Things you said when we were the happiest we ever were  
**   
Paris used to be just another city for me. A city with lots of opportunities to make some cash.  
It wasn't until we went to Paris together that the city became a new meaning to me.  
  
“I've got a few weeks off”, you announced while walking into the apartment like you owned it, kicking off your shoes in the process, and flopped down next to me on the couch. I looked up from the comic I was reading, eyeing you with a curious look.  
“So?”, I prompted when you didn't continue.  
“You and me? We should go on a vacation. Without any games or scores or anything like that. Somewhere artistic.”  
“Sounds like the most boring thing I could think off.”, I mumbled under my breath and tried to return to the action in my comic book, but that was promptly pulled away from my grasp and thrown onto the glass table.  
“It's gonna be fun!”, you insisted. A moment later you had crawled onto my lap and smiled brightly at me.  
“Come on, we've been talking about going to Europe for forever.”  
“Yeah”, I replied sarcastically, “We talked about stealing shit in Europe for forever.”  
I tried to reach around you to get my book back, but as soon as I leaned forward, you pushed me back against the couch.  
“Please?”, you asked, your bottom lip pushed only the tiniest bit forward, your eyes big and sad and blue and I couldn't refuse you after that, because I'd never be able to forgive myself for making you sad.  
“Fine.”, I sighed, “I'll join you on your little vacation.”  
The pout turned into a smile in less than a second and you pressed a heated kiss on my lips and a familiar yet uncomfortable pressure spread through my chest when you pulled away to catch your breath.  
“You should start packing. Our flight goes in less than four hours.”  
I was startled for a moment, unable to proceed with that information for a few second until my brain had put the pieces together and I looked at you with an expression of disbelief.  
“You son of a...”, I started and pushed you off my lap. “How long have you been planning this?”  
I heard a laugh when I made my way to the bedroom, hearing your footsteps close behind me.  
“A while. I thought it would be nice.”  
“You're unbelievable. Where are we going?”, I asked when I started packing by grabbing a stack of t-shirts from the closet and dumping them on the bed.  
“You'll see.”  
  
I was standing in the middle of a crowd at the airport, my bag thrown over my shoulder, you suitcase in one hand and our tickets in the other hand, while you talked to a woman behind a counter far enough away so I didn't hear what the conversation was about. Not sure what to do with myself while waiting I inspected the tickets for the third time in the past twenty minutes. You had booked a direct flight to Paris which shouldn't be a problem. But with the uncertain state of our 'relationship' and your romantic nature? That couldn't possibly end well, I thought. But I was to be proven wrong. Paris was one of the best parts of my life and having these moments shared with you made them even more valuable to me.  
A moment later you returned to my side and took the tickets and the suitcase out of my hands with a smile.  
“Ready to go?”, you asked with the excitement of a child gleaming in your eyes.  
“Do I have a choice?”, I joked, straightened my back and smiled at you,  
“No.”, you grinned and took my hand to lead me over to the gates.  
  
It was a beautiful city, different from what I was used to. The people were different, their minds were nothing like the ones I knew. It wasn't like I never had been to Paris before, but it the last time was years before I met you. And cities change as much as the people do. And it provided a beautiful challenge to figure out as many people as possible on the way from the airport to our hotel. It came down to the same basics of body language but yet this was a refreshing change.  
And you changed as well as soon as we stepped out on the streets, your smile became wider, your stance more relaxed. Like a weight was taken off your shoulders. And you became irrationally affectionate. I let it happen, because I tried not to think about it. What harm could it do if people saw us holding hands or the way you leaned against me while we waited at a crosswalk for the lights to change in a city where no one knew us. We were nothing but tourists. Faces easily forgotten. Later I had to learn, that it didn't exactly cause any harm but would be fatal for me nonetheless.  
But it was worth seeing your smile turn honest if only for a moment and soon I found myself craving this pure look on your pretty face.  
The expensive hotel room you had booked for the two of us didn't fail to impress me, even though I might seemed unfazed. Especially the king-sized bed onto which I was pulled as soon as I dropped my belongings somewhere and had shrugged of my coat.  
If I liked Paris before I had the feeling I was going to like Paris even better when your needy hands left red streaks on my back and desperate sounds escaped your kiss-bruised lips, while I took my time drawing even sweeter sounds from you until we were both spend and exhausted.  
  
Bright sunlight was what woke me the following morning. I rolled over, away from the light hitting my face, to find the other side of the bed empty and cold and I opened my eyes with an unhappy grunt. I looked around, but you where nowhere to be found. With a yawn I sat up, got out of bed and was on my way to the bathroom, when I spotted a piece of paper on the nightstand.  


>   
>  _'Morning, Sleeping Beauty_  
>  _I headed out to get a few things we need and something for breakfast._  
>  _Why don't you take a shower and enjoy the view until I'm back._  
>  _Love and Kisses, Neal'_  
> 

I stared at the note for a while, trying to wrap my head around the reason behind this choice of words and simultaneously tried to fight down the warm pressure that rose in my chest. A shower would surely help, so I put the note down and headed over to the bathroom. I took a deep breath before turning on the water.  
 _He's fooling around,_ I thought while letting the warm water drop down onto the sore muscles of my back, _He's fooling around, because_ _we're in_ _Paris and he's a sappy romantic._ _It doesn't mean anything._  
And it was ridiculous, really. I tried to keep myself from believing this was real no matter how desperately I wanted you, so I wouldn't have such a hard time adjusting when we got back.  
But the more time we spent in Paris, the harder it got for me to stay distanced.  
Because we had dinner at luxurious restaurants and lunch watching over the Seine. You took me to places you had read about and we spent hours sitting on the balcony of our room, sipping wine and talking about everything and nothing with your hand holding mine and your smile honest and caring and loving.  
And with every day I lost a little more of my protective walls and every day I fell a little bit more in love.  
Sweet nothings whispered into your ear while fucking, a gentle kiss before I got up in the morning, breakfast in bed and little presents that I found when I wandered the streets on my own. Our talks on the balcony got more serious. We talked about our pasts, the families we had, the dreams that would never come true.  
We spent out last night in Paris sitting curled up together on the balcony. You watched the streets with your head bedded on my chest while I read a book and gently stroking your hair from time to time.  
“I really enjoyed this.”, you whispered into the comfortable silence.  
“What do you mean?”, I asked, putting down the book so look at you.  
“This”, you clarified, gesturing around, “Us. Together. I don't think I've ever been happier. I know you'll be my voice of reason and tell me that I should get back down to earth but sometimes I wish we could be like this forever. Serious about what is between us. Because sometimes I think I might really be in love with you.”  
I swallowed around the lump that started forming in my throat and all I could do was pull you a little closer and press a soft kiss onto your hair. A silent answer to your unspoken question.  
“Promise me something?”, you asked then and I made an affirmative noise.  
“Promise me, that we'll come back here. Someday we will return and we'll be ready to stop running. And until that day this,“you said and pulled out a set of simple silver rings, “this shall be a reminder of this.”  
I didn't object as you slid the ring onto my right hand and I returned the gesture without really thinking about it.  
“I promise.”, I whispered then, my voice a little hoarse and the smile that spread on your lips was almost warm enough to melt the ice cold fear that settled in my guts. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, sorry for not updating recently but I'm a little stressed out over work and my homework assigments that are due to the end of the semester (which ends next week) and I haven't had a single day off for the entire month of feburary and I'm looking foward to my break in march. I hope I get to write a lot of the things I'm planning then.
> 
> Thanks for the comments and kudos! Everytime I get a mail my heart does the smiley emote thing and I can't stop smiling.


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